Pos monologue — A Desperate Game: A Comic Drama in One Act

I've done it! I've been ringing at the bell long enough, so I've been obliged to effect an entrance by the window; (_putting one leg over the window sill_) and let me observe to the inexperienced in these matters, that the fact of threading one's way up a densely wooded apple tree on a pitch dark night is a gymnastic feat more easily imagined than accomplished. (_gets in at window--he has a carpet bag_) However, as I said before, I've done it, and what's more I live to tell it, though I may be allowed to remark that, considering my cousin, Mrs. Somerton, has been expecting me--_me, her affianced husband--_for the last three nights, I think she might have allowed one of her domestics to sit up for me: however, I'm not going to quarrel with her, no--no--I cannot forget that she's my cousin, and the only child of my honoured and lamented uncle--I mean aunt--no, uncle--and now that the law suit has been decided in her favour, and that she steps into possession of fifteen thousand pounds, her late husband's fortune, I feel that to upbraid her at such a moment would be unmanly. There's a spark of fire left in the grate I declare--that's lucky! I'll light a candle if I can find one. (_feeling about_) Here's one--no, it's a scent bottle--now I've got it--(_takes candle, and goes towards fireplace_)--and now for a piece of paper. (_takes a paper out of his pocket, and about to tear it_) Stop--it won't do to tear this, this is yesterday's Times, in which I find that my friend Captain Ratcliffe has been appointed to the situation of Chief Superintendent of the Rural Police, of the Western Division of the County of Kent, and as I know he's been here at Tunbridge Wells for the last week, I've determined to find him out, and be the first to congratulate him--this'll do! (_taking another piece of paper, and lighting the candle with it_) There--and now---- (_seeing a letter on the table, and taking it up_) What's this? "Colonel Boldwig requests the honour--Mrs. Somerton's company--Thursday evening--quadrilles, &c. &c." Then she's not at home; then, egad, I'll wait for her here--but not in this costume--no, I'll just change my coat, et cetera: and, probably, my et cetera requires changing more than my coat, because naturally in ascending a tree one occasionally requires to sit down, consequently, it naturally follows that one's et cetera, upon which one does sit down--of course, it stands to reason--so here goes. (_taking up the candle, carpet bag, and umbrella, and going towards door, R. C., and enters. Scene again dark. At this moment RATCLIFFE opens door at R., enters, moves across on tiptoe, and locks the door at R. C._)